One of my clients used to have a tendency to say yes to requests or make promises to do things - take on additional tasks or work, volunteer - reflexively. This habit led to a cycle of being over committed and worn out. Over time, she noticed she was resenting these commitments, and felt trapped by them. The habit prevented her from taking on additional paid work and clients she was excited about, or taking the breaks. It was keeping her from pending time with friends and family and engaging in activities that she found fun, restorative and brought her joy.
To help break the habit, I offered her the practice I’d first learned from my friend and fellow coach, Jim Fallon: wait 24 hours before saying yes to a new commitment. If, after 24 hours, the desire to do the work was strong and it felt good to say yes, go for it.
At first, the idea terrified her. We practiced ways of graciously delaying giving a response to requests. And when taking twenty-four hours helped her realize it wasn’t work she was interested in, we rehearsed saying no in a way that felt good to her.
There were far more nos than yeses, and a lot of time gained back. More importantly, what she said yes to she was excited to take on. She was choosing with intention. This simple practice of taking a relatively short break transformed how she spent her time and how she felt about how she was spending her time.
How did it go with others? Expectedly, some people were disappointed. And in a beautiful surprise, there were people who thanked her for saying no. Some people she said no to later contacted her about other opportunities she wanted to do.
After about a month, she no longer needed a waiting period. She’d developed a better sense of what felt good to commit to, and far more ease in saying no as her fear of offending others eased. In that time, through reflection and additional work in coaching, she had gained greater clarity on her values as well as the ways she wished to grow, which helped her to decide which opportunities felt like a true yes.
We don’t always have choice in the work we do in our paid roles and we can’t just jettison the less enjoyable responsibilities that are a part of our work, yet the extras – work that isn’t part of our core responsibilities or offerings (if you’re an entrepreneur), volunteer work, additional projects, the shoulds you somewhere along the way begin to say YES to without thinking – what if there’s more choice than we’ve been conditioned to believe?
If you have a habit of reflexively saying yes, play with creating a waiting period for yourself before making new agreements. See what happens. If it’s scary, first try saying “no” to something or somewhere that feels lower risk. It can be helpful to start with smaller requests, or within relationships where you feel better about placing and holding additional boundaries. Then, work from there.
If you are excited about the idea yet aren’t sure how to make it work in your work and life, a coach can be a great support. I currently have a few spots open in my practice and would love to connect with you to see if we may be a good fit for each other. Please find a time that works for you here.
Or, sit with these questions and see what arises:
What work (adjacent to your paid work or that volunteer) are you reflexively taking on that you wish to stop?
What do you want to say YES to (different work, growth opportunities, space for play or rest) that you don’t have time for because you are struggling to say NO elsewhere?
Photo by Alexandar Todov on Unsplash
